Taylor Swift Is No Longer Relatable, and Her Best-Selling Album Proves It
Well, well, well, ladies and gents. It looks like Taylor Swift is back at it again, and though she claims she's "doing better than [she] ever was," that's obviously not true. How do we know this? Well, first of all, she's Taylor Swift, a skinny white girl, and because of that, she is incapable of doing good. But secondly, we have her album sales to prove she's doing terribly.
There are many ways to describe Taylor Swift's new album. The general consensus though would seem to be "electropop piece of trash," which I'm sure the greats, artists with such esteem as Kanye West, would agree with. And it's selling horribly.
Now, you might think I'm wrong there. You might say that it's the best-selling album of the year, despite the fact that it was only released two months before we officially rang in 2018. You might even say that it has sold more physical copies than any other album this year and has been critically acclaimed.
Well sorry to tell you this, but you're wrong. Now let me explain why.
What you don't know is that, secretly, when all of us weren't looking, Taylor Swift's new album was horrible. How do I know this? It's the only logical explanation for her abysmal ticket sales.
Everyone knows that concert ticket sales are unequivocal proof of an artist's talent and skill and that if they don't manage to sell out a stadium instantly they are a crummy artist and they have no fans. This is a universally accepted truth.
While Taylor Swift may think she's above us all while she invites her fans into her home, creates a special social media for them, and tries to meet as many of them as she can like a total snob deigning to touch the peasantry, we all know that there are some things even she is not above. This rule is one of them.
Taylor Swift's 'reputation' tour didn't sell out in minutes. It didn't sell out in hours. No. Scandal of scandals, horror of horrors, it still hasn't had a single. stadium. sellout.
That's right, you read me correctly. If you wanted to, you could go buy Taylor Swift tickets right now in the arena of your choice. The only problem? If you're anything like me, you're probably too broke to.
Taylor Swift, the ultimate white girl, has jacked up her ticket prices. In order to pay for her Starbuck's lover tendencies and her fancy new sweaters she wears as a sign that even her commoner clothing is better than ours, her ticket prices have gone up infinitely since her 1989 tour. According to New York Post writer Richard Morgan, citing Twitter user "swiftieloves", a ticket that would have cost $150 for the 1989 tour could now cost you $500 dollars for Swift's 'reputation' tour. Time to dive into your piggy banks kids, so you can remember that compared to Taylor Swift you probably look like that piggy. Exactly what she wants you to think.
But never fear, it only goes downhill from here! To top it all of, Miss Swift has roped Ticketmaster into her evil scheme, weaving them into a web of market profit and sweet, cotton-candy flavored, snake-shaped lies.
Under the premise that she was trying to help her poor, misguided fans, the "Queen of Pop" *cough* obviously a neo-nazi *cough*, partnered with Ticketmaster to create the Taylor Swift Tix program, a version of their Verified Fan program with her name slapped over the cover so everyone knows that Taylor Swift owns everything, but mostly your money and your self-esteem. This program was allegedly supposed to stop tickets from getting into the hands of scalpers and bots, but really the only thing it did was stop tickets from getting into the hands of the fans. How so? By stealing their money.
The program encouraged fans to delve into the deepest depths of their banking accounts so that they could buy merchandise and copies of the 'reputation' album in order to advance their standing in line, allowing them to grab those tickets quicker. This part, as many fans know well, worked flawlessly. I actually have no complaint about Ticketmaster's handling of the ticket sales. The method has been lauded by the fans, the media, everyone loves it. Oprah loves it, Zendaya loves it, Tim Mcgraw loves it, Mark Hammel loves it! Heck, even Kanye probably loves it. At least they did one thing right.
Of course, there were more harmless seeming boosting activities too. You could watch a video of Taylor eating cookie dough off of her shirt a million times as well, just to make sure the fact that she's that much skinnier than you and still eats like that is engraved in your brain. I'd say there's probably many a Swiftie out there seeking therapy for their deep psychological trauma caused by this competitive system.
Now, if you're one of these Swifties or someone who fancies themselves market savvy, you could try to point out that maybe Swift is going for the "slow and steady wins the race" approach. Maybe she's selling her tickets like this because she's trying to engineer it so that money from ticket sales goes to her, the artist, and not some nameless, faceless person on the internet reselling them by the masses for as high a price as they can push. Perhaps she's using the concept of supply and demand to get maximum profit all while making sure tickets are still available to fans, going for more of a slow-burn sale then in past years. To that my only advice would be to read the last sentence of the above paragraph again.
Needless to say, Taylor Swift will probably be needing a getaway car pretty soon if she wants to avoid the consequences of her many crimes. The conclusion would seem to be that Taylor Swift's lyrics are just not relatable anymore. She switched from writing about love to writing about love, and it ruined her. Don't blame me for saying it, but that seems pretty dang deplorable.
-Little Miss Deplorable
Sources: Taylor Swift Is No Longer Relatable, And Her Ticket Sales Prove It, Taylor Swift’s ‘Reputation’ tour shaping up to be a disaster | New York Post, Taylor Swift's Reputation Tour Could Be One of the Biggest of All Time | Billboard, Taylor Swift's 'Reputation' Was The Only Album In 2017 To Sell 1 Million Physical Copies, Taylor Swift Has 2017’s Top-Selling Album; Streaming Hits Record High – Variety, Taylor Swift - …Ready For It? - YouTube, Getaway Car - YouTube
There are many ways to describe Taylor Swift's new album. The general consensus though would seem to be "electropop piece of trash," which I'm sure the greats, artists with such esteem as Kanye West, would agree with. And it's selling horribly.
Now, you might think I'm wrong there. You might say that it's the best-selling album of the year, despite the fact that it was only released two months before we officially rang in 2018. You might even say that it has sold more physical copies than any other album this year and has been critically acclaimed.
Well sorry to tell you this, but you're wrong. Now let me explain why.
What you don't know is that, secretly, when all of us weren't looking, Taylor Swift's new album was horrible. How do I know this? It's the only logical explanation for her abysmal ticket sales.
Everyone knows that concert ticket sales are unequivocal proof of an artist's talent and skill and that if they don't manage to sell out a stadium instantly they are a crummy artist and they have no fans. This is a universally accepted truth.
While Taylor Swift may think she's above us all while she invites her fans into her home, creates a special social media for them, and tries to meet as many of them as she can like a total snob deigning to touch the peasantry, we all know that there are some things even she is not above. This rule is one of them.
Taylor Swift's 'reputation' tour didn't sell out in minutes. It didn't sell out in hours. No. Scandal of scandals, horror of horrors, it still hasn't had a single. stadium. sellout.
That's right, you read me correctly. If you wanted to, you could go buy Taylor Swift tickets right now in the arena of your choice. The only problem? If you're anything like me, you're probably too broke to.
Taylor Swift, the ultimate white girl, has jacked up her ticket prices. In order to pay for her Starbuck's lover tendencies and her fancy new sweaters she wears as a sign that even her commoner clothing is better than ours, her ticket prices have gone up infinitely since her 1989 tour. According to New York Post writer Richard Morgan, citing Twitter user "swiftieloves", a ticket that would have cost $150 for the 1989 tour could now cost you $500 dollars for Swift's 'reputation' tour. Time to dive into your piggy banks kids, so you can remember that compared to Taylor Swift you probably look like that piggy. Exactly what she wants you to think.
But never fear, it only goes downhill from here! To top it all of, Miss Swift has roped Ticketmaster into her evil scheme, weaving them into a web of market profit and sweet, cotton-candy flavored, snake-shaped lies.
Under the premise that she was trying to help her poor, misguided fans, the "Queen of Pop" *cough* obviously a neo-nazi *cough*, partnered with Ticketmaster to create the Taylor Swift Tix program, a version of their Verified Fan program with her name slapped over the cover so everyone knows that Taylor Swift owns everything, but mostly your money and your self-esteem. This program was allegedly supposed to stop tickets from getting into the hands of scalpers and bots, but really the only thing it did was stop tickets from getting into the hands of the fans. How so? By stealing their money.
The program encouraged fans to delve into the deepest depths of their banking accounts so that they could buy merchandise and copies of the 'reputation' album in order to advance their standing in line, allowing them to grab those tickets quicker. This part, as many fans know well, worked flawlessly. I actually have no complaint about Ticketmaster's handling of the ticket sales. The method has been lauded by the fans, the media, everyone loves it. Oprah loves it, Zendaya loves it, Tim Mcgraw loves it, Mark Hammel loves it! Heck, even Kanye probably loves it. At least they did one thing right.
Of course, there were more harmless seeming boosting activities too. You could watch a video of Taylor eating cookie dough off of her shirt a million times as well, just to make sure the fact that she's that much skinnier than you and still eats like that is engraved in your brain. I'd say there's probably many a Swiftie out there seeking therapy for their deep psychological trauma caused by this competitive system.
Now, if you're one of these Swifties or someone who fancies themselves market savvy, you could try to point out that maybe Swift is going for the "slow and steady wins the race" approach. Maybe she's selling her tickets like this because she's trying to engineer it so that money from ticket sales goes to her, the artist, and not some nameless, faceless person on the internet reselling them by the masses for as high a price as they can push. Perhaps she's using the concept of supply and demand to get maximum profit all while making sure tickets are still available to fans, going for more of a slow-burn sale then in past years. To that my only advice would be to read the last sentence of the above paragraph again.
Needless to say, Taylor Swift will probably be needing a getaway car pretty soon if she wants to avoid the consequences of her many crimes. The conclusion would seem to be that Taylor Swift's lyrics are just not relatable anymore. She switched from writing about love to writing about love, and it ruined her. Don't blame me for saying it, but that seems pretty dang deplorable.
-Little Miss Deplorable
Sources: Taylor Swift Is No Longer Relatable, And Her Ticket Sales Prove It, Taylor Swift’s ‘Reputation’ tour shaping up to be a disaster | New York Post, Taylor Swift's Reputation Tour Could Be One of the Biggest of All Time | Billboard, Taylor Swift's 'Reputation' Was The Only Album In 2017 To Sell 1 Million Physical Copies, Taylor Swift Has 2017’s Top-Selling Album; Streaming Hits Record High – Variety, Taylor Swift - …Ready For It? - YouTube, Getaway Car - YouTube
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